Fat Chick
Words & Music by Paul D Waghorn

We started out at seven,
and met up in the Crown,
a few pints in our local,
before a night out on the town,
thought there was no hurry,
‘til they called time in the pub,
A Chinese or a Curry?
then finish at the club.

I just woke up with a fat chick,
I’m sure she wasn’t there last night,
I had a beer too many,
I’m not a pretty sight,
I don’t know how she got there,
I can’t recall her name,
I just woke up with a fat chick,
I’ll never be the same.

Now the musics over,
no money left to spend,
The D.J. played a slow one,
as the night draws to an end,
I remember hearing voices,
but didn’t see a face,
I fell out of the taxi,
a total waste of space.

Chorus

Monday morning, sober,
and no, I cannot lie,
she had my name and number,
but never said goodbye,
I saw her with a push-chair,
a gibbon by her side,
what a lucky fella,
to have a fat chick for a bride.

Chorus

Send in the troops
Words & Music by Paul D Waghorn

Send in the troops,
to start a war,
its your duty,
its what you signed up for,
and if you die,
we’ll bring you home,
in a wooden box to a heroes welcome.

Send in the troops,
to foreign soil,
the main objective,
is to get your oil,
a constant threat,
of terrorisation,
who are the slaves to the nation?

Send in the troops,
to who knows where?
you’re under orders,
of Mr Bush and Blair,
They call the tune,
in the name of peace,
who counts the heads of the deceased?

Send in the troops,
with a price to pay,
we suffered heavy losses,
in the field today,
No war is won,
without aggravation,
we are the slaves to the nation.

Bastard
Words & Music by Paul D Waghorn

Daddy was a Nazi, Mummy was a whore,
Daddy was a loser in the second world war,
Mummy went to heaven and as far as I can tell,
Daddy made a reservation for a place in hell.

Bastard, Bastard, Bastard.

Johnny was a poser, had a flashy car,
Johnny liked to think he was a rock n roll star,
speeding through the city was John’s idea of fun,
failed to see the victim of a helpless hit and run.

Bastard, Bastard, Bastard.
B.A.S.T.A.R.D.
Bastard, Bastard, Bastard.

A pensioner was waiting at a bus stop in a queue,
coming home from bingo on the number 22,
didn’t win a penny then it turned from bad to worse,
a mugger took her dignity and made off with her purse.

Bastard, Bastard, Bastard.
B.A.S.T.A.R.D.
Bastard, Bastard, Bastard.

Upside down
Words & Music by Paul D Waghorn

I caused some aggravation,
had a bellyful of ale,
I’m in a no win situation,
I got a mad man on my tail,
I took a pill to calm me,
it went straight to my head,
the effect was devastating,
now the big boys want me dead.

Can’t stick around,
I gotta get outta town,
they’re gonna crucify me,
and hang me upside down.

I drove on through to Brighton,
and missed the 259,
someone switched the light on,
I ignored a no way sign,
I lost my ugly escort,
they didn’t have a clue,
and then I saw a road block,
stopped by the men in blue.

Chorus twice

Paranoia
Words & Music by Paul D Waghorn

There's a baby screaming in the flat down below,
the team keep losing so the gaffer must go,
same old crap on daytime T.V.
so why is everyone laughing at me?

This paranoia,
it will annoy ya,
wont let it get the better of me.

Girlfriend giving me grief everyday,
people owing but refusing to pay,
a man in a pub who’s so full of shit,
loads of chairs but nowhere to sit.

Chorus

Living in a bedsit with nothing to do,
having conversation with a wanker like you,
Jehovas witness knocking on my door,
the upper classes who pretend to be poor.

Chorus

Politicians counting on my vote,
pissing down with rain when I ain’t got a coat,
spent all the money now there’s nothing to eat,
gotta get out ‘cos I can’t stand the heat.

Chorus

Bin Laden
Words & Music by Paul D Waghorn

In the caves of Afghanistan,
lives an evil tyrant man,
sent his men to suicide,
innocent victims had to die.

You’re a punk,
You’re a punk,
You’re a punk,
Bin Laden.
You’re a punk,
You’re a punk,
You’re a punk,
Bin Laden.

You’ve taken us to all out war,
it’s time to even up the score,
the S.A.S. are gonna get their man,
and kick the shit out of the Taliban.

You’re a punk,
You’re a punk,
You’re a punk,
Bin Laden.
You’re a punk,
You’re a punk,
You’re a punk,
Bin Laden.

Made in China
Words & Music by Paul D Waghorn

In a far off land of rice and Zen,
where fifteen pounds buys a load of yen,
export goods for our intention,
their guarantee they fail to mention.

you can’t get a taxi at the bus stop,
so why save pennies at the pound shop,
credit cards may get designer,
everything is made in China.

Cuddly toys or DVD’s
attractive costs are aimed to please,
plastic guns with no disclaimer,
loaded on a huge container.

Stylish clothes not made to measure,
something else that you may treasure,
shipped in on an ocean liner,
everything is made in China.

This countries debt is getting deeper,
because Joe Public wants things cheaper,
there ain’t no business in this town,
another factory closing down.

Once we were a wealthy nation,
found our way to beat inflation,
kept home grown for nothing finer,
everything is made in China.

Armchair 'Arry
Words & Music by Paul D Waghorn & Sheldon Hannaford

Armchair ‘arry never goes to games,
armchair ‘arry knows all the names,
of every player whose on T.V.
from Ian Wright to Wayne Rooney.

Last year ‘arry wore white and red,
but now he’s sporting blue instead,
armchair ‘arry hasn’t got a clue,
541 or 442

‘Arry, 'Arry,
‘Arry, 'Arry,
‘Arry ain’t got a clue.

Armchair ‘arry found football heaven,
watching ceefax 337,
saw no goals so needs much more,
4.45 on final score.
Blue or Red, he can’t decide,
what to wear today with pride,
armchair ‘arry hasn’t got a clue,
541 or 442

‘Arry, 'Arry,
‘Arry, 'Arry,
‘Arry ain’t got a clue.
‘Arry, 'Arry,
‘Arry, 'Arry,
‘Arry ain’t got a clue.

Seventeen
Words & Music by Paul D Waghorn

Sometimes I think I'm seventeen,
though time's erased most of my memory,
roll back the years to long ago,
I heard a song played on the radio.

through passing years and changing fashion,
a teenage crush turned into passion,
found excitement everywhere I ran,
adolescent boy becomes a man.

Doc Martens, black leather,
summer seemed to last forever,
having fun and staying out all night,
great records, on vinyl,
seeing my team reach the final,
those were the best years of my life.

Now I must confess to getting older,
and winter always seems much colder,
I watched a film from '83,
and dreamed about the way it used to be.

Chorus

Jonny Holmes
Words & Music by Paul D Waghorn & Sheldon Hannaford

He shares his name with a porno star,
and drives an old Volkeswagon car,
Its sad to see he’s no longer the boss,
those days are gone, and we’re all at a loss,
so raise your glass to a good friend of mine,
from all the lads who had a good time.

Johnny, Johnny, Johnny Holmes,
Johnny, Johnny, Johnny Holmes.

He had a pub where we could go,
‘til closing time when he said no,
When jumping Jack flash said Johnny be good,
it wasn’t a phrase that John understood,
then Long tall Sally rode her bike into town,
but who was the queen when the King lost his crown?

Johnny, Johnny, Johnny Holmes,
Johnny, Johnny, Johnny Holmes.

A change is due whatever next?
Up at six with his fruit and veg,
The lights are out, but the legend lives on,
I’m not a retard and neither is John,
I’d like to say more and to shout it out loud,
respect for the man who done us all proud.

Johnny, Johnny, Johnny Holmes,
Johnny, Johnny, Johnny Holmes.

Evicted
Words & Music by Paul D Waghorn

I got a letter from the council today,
said my rent arrears of eight weeks I must pay,
ain't got a penny, gotta take out a loan,
they're sending round the bailiffs to evict me from home,
The citizens advice won't do fuck all,
no one ever listens or returns my call,
Jesus Christ, I'm forty years old,
I bet you wouldn't leave an OAP in the cold.

Evicted, now I'm out on the street,
Evicted, 'cos I can't make ends meet,
Evicted, I got nowhere to go,
don't pretend you've been there 'cos ya just wouldn't know.

Social worker says to toe the line,
don't be tempted by a life of crime,
it's not easy when you're always broke,
and my wages are a fucking joke.
Made an appointment with my local MP,
said he'd try but that didn't help me,
found a refuge for the clinically dead,
in a hostel on flea ridden bed.

Evicted, now I'm out on the street,
Evicted, 'cos I can't make ends meet,
Evicted, I got nowhere to go,
don't pretend you've been there 'cos ya just wouldn't know.

Speeding
Words & Music by Paul D Waghorn

I’m off of my face,
I’m out of me skull,
I’m over the eight,
I’m losing control,
I'm high as a kite,
I’m up on the roof,
I’m feeling alright,
I’m speeding.

I’ve missed the match,
I’m feelin the pain,
I’m shot to bits,
I’ve pickled me brain,
I’m losing the plot,
I’ve nothing to lose,
I’m over the top,
I’m speeding.

I can’t get to sleep,
I’m spinning around,
I’m going too fast,
I’ve gotta slow down,
I heard what ya said,
I know what you mean,
my hunger is fed,
I’m speeding.

Termination Day
Words & Music by Paul D Waghorn

The sun is up it's a brand new day,
people running each and every way,
don't they know this could be their last,
there ain't no future so forget your past,
it's in the papers have you heard the news?
they've pressed the button to ignite the fuse,
you've just got time to say goodbye,
on the day that tens of thousands die.

Theres a fog coming over the hill side,
and who knows what it may bring?
the worlds greatest ever disaster,
destroyed nearly everything.

See the panic now they know it's true,
they've no idea what the hell to do,
someone tell them 'cos the time is near,
you've got to hide until the air is clear.
Is there a shelter in your local town?
who will be there when the sun goes down?
will they want the likes of you or me?
or just the higher class society?

Chorus

Twenty years may not seem too long,
a lot has happened since I wrote this song,
the threat of terror never goes away,
maybe tomorrow or another day,
tension mounting in the middle east,
people dying for the sake of peace,
negotiations never go too well,
are we destined for life of hell?

Chorus